Cinderella Story

Most of my friends believe that my favorite movie is Star Wars…all of them. Well, they are wrong. It is Cinderella, the version released by Disney in 1950. This is the only movie which I’ve watched hundreds of times and still cry at the same scenes. Yes, I just admitted this on the Internet. Disney’s Cinderella is deceptively simple. Looking at it as a kid, it was a simple fairy tale with the hero triumphant. As a teenage girl, I saw the story of the girl getting the guy. However, as an adult it became a different story. Below is what I consider the most emotional scene of the movie. It is not because we think Cinderella has lost the chance to go to the ball, meet the prince and change her circumstances.
All of this may have been what the writers wanted, yet there is more here.
Cinderella in the Garden

Leaning over a cement bench, she sobs the following through bitter and painful tears:
“It’s just no use…I can’t believe, not anymore…there’s nothing left to believe in…”

I imagine this is not the first time she has come to this garden in tears or pain. If you pay attention to the beginning of the movie, this is the same garden she and her father are shown in when he was alive. She may come here even when her stepmother and step sisters are asleep to feel a connection to her deceased father. What is clear is that this moment was her breaking point. Although she may not have been perfect, Cinderella is shown to be rational and reasonable up to this point. She has maintained her composure and dignity even in the face of humiliation and numerous daily set backs. Yet, it is the selfish, spiteful, and bitter tearing of her dress that finally breaks her down.
Does not life feel this way at times?
Of course many of us realize that tearing her dress is representative of all her hopes, dreams, goals, and beliefs being shattered and broken. How many of us have come to a breaking point when our world seems to come crashing around us? You, the person who has been optimistic and encouraging others, smiling through your own pain could not bear another set back. Yet, that set back came. The moment of crisis and the day of despair when what took years to build was stripped away in an instant were too much on your plate. In our darkest moments, how easy it is to say as Cinderella “There’s nothing left to believe in…”
I know it may be easier to quote James 1:2-3 than to believe it or to hear I Peter 1:5-9 than to take it to heart when in the middle of distressing circumstances. I know because darkness surrounds us all like a fog and the fog can be as thick as velvet. And the season can last longer than we would like leading us to pleading with the Father for the veil to lift from our life. Yet it is imperative and most urgent that you and I see beyond our present. Even as the Fairy Godmother said: “If you had lost all your faith, I could not be here. And here I am.” Your faith in its most honorable form is what God is after. He uses what we have, our heart, and our circumstances to get us where He needs us. The trying of your faith and the set backs, heart ache, heart-break, and pain on this side of life are the very things that can polish and perfect you, forcing you to stand out to our Prince of Peace.


Loose Dog? Don’t chase! Stop, Drop and Lie Down

Yes, my dog Lacey falls for nearly all of these everytime. Go read this if you have a dog!

No Dog About It Blog

StopDropLieDown Have you ever had a dog escape your arms or car or home? What is the first thing you do? If you’re like most people, you chase after them. They run and then you run. It seems almost instinctual, doesn’t it?

I’ve come to believe that it REALLY IS INSTINCT that takes over when we chase after our loose dog(s). It’s not just something we do when our own pets get loose, but something we do when a friend’s dog gets out of the house or when we see a stray dog running down the street or the highway. There is even a recent video showing police officers chasing after a dog on a highway in California. They never even had a chance of catching him. It was a losing proposition.

The problem with our first instinct (to chase) is that it rarely gets us closer to getting them. In fact, the…

View original post 828 more words

The Language of Life


I was once a decent musician. I played the piano and two types of saxophones. Okay, if you can play one type of saxophone, the key layout is the same…
My first college major was music. I wrote sheet music and helped local musicians write hooks. Yet, I eventually found my way to the biology department. Life became more science than music.
When I took my first music class, our teacher introduced music as a language. He called it the universal language. Just as years of Spanish allowed me to understand spoken and written expression, years of musical training allowed me to read and write in the language of music. Interestingly, just as my infrequent use of Spanish now limits my current understanding, so has gone the way of music. I began reading old sheet music for the piano and felt like a beginner again.
Then I thought about something: maybe music is not the universal language. Not everyone can read it and most people cannot understand it’s complexities. What of math, then? Music is a beautifully mathematical language. Could it not be that math is the universal language that binds us after all? Yet, there are many great musicians born blind and have never seen a math equation.
And there it is.
To live and experience all the sorrows and pains, joys and laughter under the sun binds humanity across all languages. It is expressed in the mathematical harmony of music we use as the soundtrack to our lives. Pain is not limited to ethnicity, country, or color. Joy is not preserved for American speakers of English. The same hormones are released in the stress response in our bodies when you and I see the hypothetical whatever that scares you/stresses you most. Life, lived full and wide, is not without pain and heartache. Pain is not limited to physical loss of another human or tangible material thing. Yet, this full life experience and range of emotional response we have is what knits humanity together as one. My pain may never be worn on my sleeve or written on my face, yet I can relate that emotion to the place that has caused you pain. The same goes for those times of great joy. In this, it is human emotion that is the universal language. You need not understand Spanish to interpret laughter. You do not have to read music to hear the song of tears. You only need an open heart.

The picture is one of the exercises from The Saxophonist’s Workbook by Larry Teal – as seen through my glasses.


You are still here.
I survey my progress and find I am still afraid of the wrong things.
I still listen to the whispers you feed my heart.
Another year of life chokes the blessing to live as another decade of life passed me by.
Ugly fear.
Reminders of unreached goals, broken dreams and an empty womb darken my heart.
Blessings of the winding road, fruitful path and full friendships have gone unnoticed and without thanks.
Because I stand here afraid
At the crossroad where fear questions my faith and shames my heart when I realize I am wrong.
Accusing fear.
I’m not mad. I’m not angry. I’m not sad.
I’m afraid.
Yet, fear exposes my imperfections and I am humbled before the Lord.
I am human made in my Father’s image.
He has shown me where He carried me and I can hope for where He leads.
Fear in the Lord brings reverence.
Fear in distractions brings amputation.
Whether you are walking in sunlight or waiting for the flood gates to open,
Fear can seep in.
Yet through it all, truly commit to trusting in His gracious and guiding hand.
No more will I walk the path of fear.
I will fear the past, present and future no more.
There is no reason to be anxious and envious,
Hungry for revenge.
If we call ourselves disciples,
How is it we know Him not?
His will so foreign to plans we made
If we trust in His will,
We have no fear of tomorrow.
If we believe His will is better than ours,
Why do we still manipulate the plan?
We ask, we seek, we knock
Do we not receive?
Both trial and triumph under the Great Guiding Hand?
His way is greater, even when you cannot see.

…for your Father knows what you need before you ask. –Matthew 6:8

Human Medicine

Still not done with my paper, I calculated how late I would be that afternoon. I stood in the hallway waiting for Dr. B to finish up an appointment. I checked the time and logged my hours before going to the triage room to chat with the nurses about the weekend ahead and random happenings. Before I could walk in, a little girl of about three or four walked out the rest room ahead of me. She was probably the only preschooler I have seen “sa-shay” instead of walk. She had her hands on her hips and looked back at her mom as if to say ‘hurry up!’ She was incredibly bubbly and her personality was brighter than her coordinated spring outfit, painted orange toenails and jelly sandals. Her mom finally came behind her as they went back into the open exam room. As Dr. B and I made our way to other patients, I wondered if that little bubbly preschooler would be getting shots. I hoped she wouldn’t cry.
We finally made our way to the bubbly preschooler. Dr. B introduced me and I said hello, waved at the mother and then the little girl. This little girl not only smiled, but after finally seeing through her dark brown curls, I realized even her eyelids creased when she smiled. I wondered as I usually do with the younger kids “Where will they be in ten or twenty years?” I always hope that the happy ones would remain so.
As the mother spoke quietly with Dr. B about paper work, the little girl began playing hide-and-seek. Okay, more like peek-a-boo…I could still see her but she covered her eyes so I guess I disappeared…? I usually try to pay attention to catch any information about the history before Dr. B tells me the diagnosis. My little distraction, however, made sure I was oblivious until Dr. B turned to me.
“Little E has an inoperable tumor on her brainstem. She’s here for clearance to get an MRI.” Dr. B said.
“…oh…” I murmured.
“She has been getting treatment and we need to know if it is working. From what I can tell, she has a lot more energy than before treatments began.” Dr. B said, picking up Little E and placing her on the exam table.
“Yes, she looks great!” I said. What a relief. This little girl is getting treatment. She just needs a follow-up to be sure everything is going well.
Dr. B examined her and cleared her chart for the MRI. No shots, no tears. Actually, anytime you look at this little girl, she smiles. Genuinely.
Her mother, who was just a bit more subdued than she, thanked Dr. B as I put her paperwork together. They went toward checkout and Dr. B and I went back to her office past the mural of children playing happily and caring for each other on the wall.
I walked in behind Dr. B and pulled my notes from my front pocket. I wanted to ask her more about the pathophysiology of the glioma.
“The glioma,” she began, “is in the brainstem, near the nucleus of the sixth cranial nerve. Our first clue when she presented were her eyes. When I first saw her, she was doing quite poorly. But look at her. She is in treatment and doing well.”
I thought about her ‘peek-and-seek’ play and agreed. “I see. She has so much personality, too. She’s such a pleasant kid.”
Dr. B sat at her desk, put her tablet down and turned back to me. “I wanted to let you know she is not expected to live beyond the end of the year.”
My heart fell to my stomach, even if only metaphorically.
Not this girl. Not this bubbly, beautiful spirit. Not this three-year-old with a lifetime of giving smiles, laughter, and joy. No, this girl just hid her face from me and thought I disappeared. Not this beautiful, bright soul that still has so much to give this dark, cloudy world.
Not her.
I sat back, surprised at the stinging feeling of salty tears falling into the dry skin across my cheeks. I thought about why I became interested in human medicine. I thought about how depressed I was when I received a rejection and then two wait lists from medical school three years ago. I thought about how much of my life I had thought I would only be happy if I could get to this one point. Then I realized I was silently crying. With Dr. B’s back to me, I reached for a tissue at the edge of her desk. As I began wiping the tears before she could notice, she said, with her back still to me, “It’s okay. I’d worry more if that didn’t make you cry.”

Recessive Desire

Autosomal recessive EN
By Aymleung (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

I have a desire to get married and have a family. As a (younger) adult, I wanted four children and a family like the Cosby’s. I did not want to compromise this desire. I also didn’t share this desire aloud.

I cannot hide behind this screen and tell the world that this is some unselfish dream. Just reading those first sentences, there is an air of immaturity and selfishness behind my desire for a family. For some of us, this desire becomes selfish when unchecked and misunderstood. It leads to selfish actions. We end up with selfish motives entering our relationships. Yes, I went there. The word packed with sting, selfish.
It is purely a want and desire that I see as something to benefit and satiate a yearning within my heart. Children that have my genetics. A husband that loves me. A family of my own. Even in the wrappings of nice and sweet terms such as “sacrifice” and “submit,” the desire is intrinsically selfish.
I saw how selfish this desire was when (after nearly [x] years away from dating) I was asked on a date (…yay?). I don’t “date” in the Western term of the word: we will casually form a friendship and watch how things go from there. No use “jumping in” a relationship for the sake of having one…
So, there we were, getting to know each other and the topic turned to my career field: biology. More specifically, the field of genetics. Genetics and biochemistry. Genetics, biochemistry and diseases (I’ve been in school too long…).
I carry an autosomal recessive genetic disease. In its homozygous form (that means you have two copies of the gene) it is a severe, painful and deadly disease. It is painful to watch and painful to have.
And I can pass this disease on to any children I have with another carrier.
That is inheritance.
That is (basic) genetics. I carry it and my mother carries it. My mother didn’t know she was a carrier when she met my dad, married him, and had her little bundle of baby test positive for this genetic trait. She always says how lucky she was that my dad was not a carrier as well.

Yet, I know I am a carrier.

And so is he.
This is not new information. You see, he told me this in the eleventh grade. He then mentioned it again about two years ago. And again last year. Each time is as if this is the first time he is giving me this information. We have discussed marriage. We discussed children. We confront the same information: What decision do we make with this information being known to us?

There is a 25% chance of having a child with both copies of the defective gene.
There is a 50% chance of having a child with one copy of the defective gene.
There is a 25% chance of having a child with two normal copies of the gene.

In that Cosby family, one child would theoretically suffer due to our selfishness.

“Theoretically” leads to two overly simplistic responses:
“Don’t trust genetics. Trust God.”
“God gave you this insight into the genetics and this revelation for a reason.”

There are wonderful qualities to this person. Yet, this is the information we were given well before the idea of romance entered our minds. [X] number of years without dating aside…could there be someone else who is not a carrier for both of us? Information and insight given for a reason?
In this light, how selfish to ignore this information and move forward. It seems these are not questions another human can answer…